Neditor’s note: When I wrote this a few months ago, I really wasn’t sure I was going to publish it. It felt too raw, too personal, and too self-pitying. I shared it with a friend, who gave me constructive feedback that boiled down to:
Tech ate your life a bit. Time for a break, and to go touch some grass for a while!
She was 100% right, and that’s what I did. I pulled way back on my level of commitments and went for a few long walks (and long runs.)
After taking a lot of deep breaths, I found some fun new things to do. I’ve been doing a weekly livestream for the Terraform Pro Exam that is just kinda fun to do. Low pressure and no editing. I’ve also been messing around with Swamp in my home lab. And I rolled out an instance of OpenClaw to see what I could do with it. I’m having fun with tech again, and that’s a massive relief.
With the perspective of a some months and a better mental space, I reread the post and I still think it’s worth publishing. We tend to only show our best and most polished selves online. We hide the truth for others and from ourself. If you’ve ever thought someone was a rockstar and that nothing bothered them, boy do I have news for you.
Just as likely, you’ve been told you’re a rockstar and you feel like a failure if you can’t take the pressure. That’s some bullshit. We all need a break sometimes. We all crack under pressure. We all need to go touch grass for a while.
This is me in the midst of a meltdown, and maybe it can help some of you recognize it in yourselves and find comfort knowing you’re not the only one.
There’s something that has been bugging me for a while. A general feeling of dissatisfaction with what I’m doing for work.
Of all the projects I’m currently working on, I’m not especially excited about any of them. Last year I gave up doing some of my favorite things in favor of focusing on things that make money: training, Pluralsight, and podcasting.
This all came to a head when I attended the recent Cloud Field Day 25 in Santa Clara, CA. Before I get into it, I want to say up front that everyone at Gestalt IT and the whole Tech Field Day crew are nothing but awesome. I don’t want any of this to reflect negatively on what Tech Field Day does or the value it brings to its clients.
The event was being held over two days, March 11 and 12th, with the welcome dinner on Tuesday March 10th. Before I even left for the event, things were already going poorly. Daylight Savings Time messed up everyone’s rhythm, our power went out for three hours, and two of my kids were getting sick. At that point, I should have just thrown in the towel, yet I persisted.
On my trip to California, my connecting flight sat at the gate for three hours after boarding due to computer issues. I arrived in California tired, disheveled, and travel worn. This was just the beginning of the event.
During the event we had two presenting companies showing off their products. What they could do and why it was important, and I couldn’t care less. That’s not to say that either company makes bad products or that their solutions aren’t useful. They are! I just felt deeply uninterested.
While I was away, things progressively got worse at home with meltdowns, mad dashes, and logistical nightmares. Who knew having three active kids would be so difficult?
I didn’t want to be in California. I didn’t want to hear about the latest cloud-native, networking solution powered by AI. I didn’t want to write posts on LinkedIn about how excited I was to be there, or how amazing everything was. I just didn’t give a shit. I wanted to be home.
I’m not gonna lie, this was a bit of a revelation to me. Not the homesickness, but the complete apathy towards technology. That’s never been true. All my life I’ve been excited about cool new tech and what it can do. Sure, sometimes I would get cynical about a particular line of tech -- web3 anyone? -- but about tech as a whole? Never.
What is causing this apathy? This general disregard for tech stuff? It’s probably a confluence of things conspiring together. First off, we have AI. Fucking AI. I’m so tired of hearing about AI, and I’m deeply conflicted about the tech. It seems like it can do amazing things, and at the same time it seems like it can ruin our minds, our psyche, and our planet.
Then there’s Terraform. Once again, I want to be clear, I think Terraform is great. It has transformed the way we define and manage infrastructure. However, it has put me in a bit of a rut and I’m starting to feel it.
In the last 12 months, I’ve published 10 courses on Pluralsight about Terraform. TEN COURSES. Essentially, I spent 365 days writing about Terraform constantly. On top of that, I also deliver training for Terraform and HashiCorp Vault. In the last 12 months, I think I taught about 10 Terraform classes; that’s about one class every month. Oh, and I can’t forget the alpha and beta testing I did for the Terraform Pro exam and the question writing and review I did for the Terraform Associate 004 course.
I’ve been living, breathing, and thinking about Terraform constantly for over a year, and I’m tired. So, so tired y’all. Despite all this, when Pluralsight came to me and asked if I could create a six course learning path for the Terraform Associate 004 certification, I agreed to do so.
That means I am locked in to creating more Terraform content until at least mid-June.
I love Terraform.
I’m so, so tired of Terraform.
Then there’s the fact that I’ve been creating content and delivering training for the last 7 years. Before that, I was the Director of Cloud Solutions for a consulting company for a year and a half. I haven’t been hands-on with tech that matters for almost a decade.
Part of me wonders if I’d be happier working on consulting projects, or going to work for a company as an individual contributor. Slinging code and building cool infrastructure that does stuff. Lately, I just don’t find content creation exciting or fulfilling. It feels like a drag.
On the other hand, it could be that I am burned out and need to take a break. In the last year, I have been pushing super hard to engage with projects that actually make Ned in the Cloud money. That means three things: Pluralsight courses, live training, and sponsored podcast content. I fear I have over-indexed on money making ventures that pay the bills, and haven’t spent enough time on stuff that is simply fun.
What’s fun? Chaos Lever was fun. Me and Chris being ridiculous and snarky jerks on a weekly basis. Instead, we started writing books for O’Reilly cause that makes actual money.
What else is fun? I used to do a once a month Hashicorp Ambassador chat where we just shot the breeze on a livestream. No sponsors, no pressure.
Marino Wijay and I did a weekly livestream messing around with AI, and that was fun until I tried to make it serious and bring on lots of guests.
If I am going to make it long-term in this game, I need to get back to having fun. I need to find technologies that interest me without any financial motivation. I need to take time to myself that doesn’t involve tech.
Or maybe I need to take a break from all of this and go get a normal job for a while. Being a minor celebrity in the world of HashiCorp was kinda fun for a while, but it’s just not as fulfilling as it once was.
Being a Microsoft MVP, an AWS Community Builder, a HashiCorp Ambassador, it all feels more like an obligation than a benefit. This year I saw the head of the AWS Community get laid off and the HashiCorp Ambassador program be absorbed into the IBM Champions group. I haven’t attended an MVP Summit in years and I don’t participate in the product group interactions or use much Microsoft tech. I’m glad that others find value and community in these programs, I’m not sure I do.
I dunno. Writing is how I tend to process how I’m feeling, and this post hasn’t resolved itself into a decision. But I think maybe I have a better grasp on what’s wrong. I think that I need to chat with someone who’s been in a similar position and get their perspective. That’s a pretty tiny group of folks. Yet, they exist and it’s time for me to get out of my own head and talk to other people.
I’m scared to do it. In part because I worry about how it will sound. Am I just being a whiny, entitled brat? I’m also scared to admit that I’m struggling. And I’m worried what others will think about my doubts and issues. I have an image to maintain. My income is reliant on my image. It’s difficult to be vulnerable. And yet, I think it’s the only thing that will help, unless I want to be a miserable old bastard who pushes everyone away.
I’m going to be honest. I have no idea if I will even publish this. It feels too personal, too raw. On the other hand, maybe that’s something else that’s been missing. I’ve become too polished, too professional, too good at what I do.
At a time when everything has the tinge of the AI airbrush, there’s never been a better time to be a genuine, messy human being. And goddamn, am I messy. I’m writing this as I fly back home to be with my family and try to bring some order to the chaos. We’ll see how I feel about this tomorrow.
May 4, 2026
April 29, 2026
